Really at a loss. when I was single, and alone, and unloved, and hated each day of my existence, if you could even go as far as to call it that it was so awful. I contemplated suicide everyday, but at the same time I thrived. I thrived of off both the emotional pain and the physical pain in which I caused myself. I thrived from the clarity not eating and not having the will to eat brought me. I thrived off of not feeling anything at all. sure, it was a sad way to live, but it brought results. now that I'm happy and have someone that cares for me, I feel even lower. I cannot bring myself to cut or starve because it no longer effects just me, it also effects the person in my life I care about quite a bit. but I want so badly to push myself back into old habits, I want to be a mess, I thrive from being a mess. I must have something wrong with me.